BUILDING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

This is a beautiful article which describes what it is like when we are in a healthy relationship. I would like to quote it below and give my two cents of thoughts on further discussions according to my life and work experience.

 

1. These below qualities matter not only in couples but also in any kind of relationship. The more we provide them the more we get high quality connections with people like our parents and siblings, life partners, kids, friends, neighbors, and even strangers.

 

2. Falling in love doesn’t necessarily mean having a healthy relationship even though falling in love or having love with someone can be a great start to urge you to work on a good relationship. A good relationship isn’t just there, always available. It needs a huge attempt to build up and maintain. When we put effort in it, in return it can, for example, change our habits or transform us to something which we before even didn’t believe that we can do. We grow, as a result. There can be a difficult point at which we may really want to give up but when we are patient enough to pass it successfully, we just naturally go in the flow, like we can be more confident and know how to make it work. It’s very similar to when we push ourselves to do something we are not good at and unconfident in, like playing a sport, making a new habit or finding the mood to work or to write. Interestingly, when we try to wait for the mood to sit down and work, it will rarely come. But when we force ourselves to sit down and just do it, sooner or later, the mood will come and we will engage in the flow and do things like a genius. Even more, the act of giving attempts creates a stronger connection where another kind of love arises – the nurturing love. This love can’t be lost. It’s very much the same as a mother’s love for her kids in case you want a precise expression of it. But it means that the more you nurture something, the more you raise in yourself a great love for it. You can nurture a baby, a plant, a pet or anything. And if you can even nurture it when it brings you uneasy situations, your love grows much stronger. So, to people who are already in a relationship, the one who puts in more effort than they usually do (not more effort than the other side as we can’t compare people) is the person who experiences the deeper level of love. Congratulations, that’s a beautiful experience.However, the person who puts in more effort than they usually do will normally be the one who suffers the most when it doesn’t work out and who, because of this heartbreak, will easily be afraid of giving more next time. So my words for you are “No, don’t let the fear stop you from shining. You are doing a great job. You are creating your own beautiful experience and you are sharpening your skills and strengths which are forever yours. Nothing further can let you down because you know already in advance that whatever challenges may come, you can always get over it. Then sooner or later, abundance comes too”

 

3. If both the couple don’t have any quality traits as mentioned, their relationship will be a nightmare with very little peace and joy. Some people are naturally born and raised with some of those traits (which I may call “their personalities) but most aren’t (which I may call opportunities for building new skills/ habits). It’s great if your partner has already had some levels of those traits because you can have an easier time in the beginning but if you don’t realize these are key values for a long lasting relationship and you don’t work on yourself to have these values, it can get worse later from your side first because needed mutual efforts are unequal.

 

It’s very easy for a couple to break up with the reason “we are incompatible” but if you are lacking of awareness that a lot of what you called “incompatibilities” originate from you, the act of ending with your current partner doesn’t guarantee a better match next time. Potentially, you will repeat your mistakes due to your old habits. So, there will never exist a perfect person for a perfect match if you refuse to work with yourself to grow first. For example if you have a trust issue, no matter what happened that led to it, you need to take it easy step by step and learn how to give trust to others and to see them show their reliability. If you aren’t used to opening up on your vulnerabilities, try to do it little by little and see how relieved it could be when you say them out and have someone accept you for both your good and bad.

 

Of course, there are some key things that make two people incompatible enough for a committed relationship like what they want and what they look for are not the same. But fundamental values are what both sides have to be good enough to provide to themselves as well as to their counterpart. For example, a warrior can’t expect to have peace at home if he keeps a warrior attitude at his own home; a boss can’t be a supportive wife at home if she likes to be a boss in her family. Whatever roles they play in the outer world, when they come back home, they should return to “being nothing” and provide exactly what they need the other to provide.

 

Besides, it’s up to you to choose someone who already has these traits as their personalities, or to choose someone who wasn’t born and raised that way but is willing to live better and fuller. It’s super hard to make new habits and skills until they become new personalities and it takes huge time and patience and effort. But anyway, we are imperfect creatures, if we are looking for something which is more perfect/less imperfect than us, so who will look for the less imperfect like us? ^^

 

4. Adjust your priorities to match with what you wantEven though a person has great personality traits, sadly they may give a wrong priority on what they should dedicate their time and energy to. It’s not rare to see a person who is an amazing colleague or boss or friend but is a bad partner or father. They perhaps expect something from their family life and don’t have it, so they count their happiness on work or friendship. Some people may, in other situations, take it granted for what they have already had in their partnership/ family life so that they stop investing themselves in. Or some after dedicating too much to the outer world, they get exhausted and don’t have enough energy for their little private world.

 

In my point of view, what you value the most in your life should be what you non-stoply invest the most in the balance between quality and quantity of your resources. In terms of time, as we all have only 24 hours a day, you really need to choose to remove what is no longer necessary to have time for what is more important to you when you are in a relationship. It’s similar to when you learn a new language, making it little and regular gives better outcomes. And quality time creates stronger bonds than any entertaining activities.

 

5. Be careful and attentive to what you want. In my work, I’ve experienced lots of cases where people say they want this and that but deep inside they don’t. A client of mine said she wanted to work in well-known and fancy organizations so that she gets admiration from people but we found out that it’s because she lacks self-confidence from childhood and needs recognition from people to feel good. What she truly wants is a friendly environment with time flexibility.

So if you think, for example, you don’t want kids, ask yourself why; and even if you want to have kids, ask yourself why, too. If your wishes come from traumas, or fears, or the need to be the same as what people usually do, it will not bring you the fulfillment in your heart in the long term.

Something which you want deep down in your heart and when you want it enough, it will become a great motivation for you to find the direction to make it real.

So the more you know exactly what you want in a relationship and in your partner, the higher chance you can find them among millions of possibilities and create the experience you want to have in your life. Stay focused ^^

Enjoy reading ^^.

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1 : Safety

Love is based on safety, so safety is a key part of a healthy relationship. A partner who loves you won’t inflict physical harm on you or damage your belongings. They will be gentle and supportive, but will not pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do or make decisions for you. Feeling safe also means being free to make decisions and express yourself without fear of how others might react. When you share your opinions and goals, you get encouragement, not criticism.

 

2: Good Listener

A partner who loves you will take an interest in your life and be willing to go the extra mile to make sure you’re happy. They will listen attentively and patiently, waiting for others to share before getting into their own experiences. They feel like they really care instead of feeling brushed off with a distracted “Uh huh” or “Wow, that sucks”.While they may not do every word you say, hear, or remember, they generally have a pretty solid awareness of the things that matter most: your likes and dislikes, hopes and fears, friendships and family relationships, and so on.

 

3: They Accept Your Differences

This means that regardless of how much you and your partner share, you will still have different opinions and feelings about the things you share. If someone cares for you, they will accept your individual ideas and feelings as part of who you are. They might engage in some respectful debate, but they’ll show an interest in your perspective instead of insisting you take their side. A loving partner may offer guidance and advice when asked, but they won’t try to control your decisions or behavior. They will allow you a lot of freedom, and will not criticize or withhold affection until you agree with them. When considering a course of action, you’ll feel comfortable when you can understand why the other person might choose that particular option.

 

4: Easy Communication

Love requires honest communication. This doesn’t mean telling everyone your thoughts all the time. There’s nothing wrong with having private feelings, as long as you keep them to yourself. Your partner will likely do something that frustrates you over the course of your relationship, whether that’s snoring or getting so caught up in a TV show they forget to pick you up from work. Sometimes, it may be more productive to talk to a friend about the little annoyances rather than picking them apart. Despite the fact that you can’t read each other’s minds, you have to work together to get along because issues that are really important to you are going to need to be discussed. A partner who loves you will recognize that it is important to communicate and show up physically and mentally when it is time for a conversation.

 

5: Trust

Love is a maker of trust. Trust is a builder of love. A partner who loves you will likely trust you, unless you betray them. They will never question you when you see friends, follow you, or go through your phone or computer. If they don’t have reason to believe you’ve been lying or cheating, they won’t accuse you or insist you go everywhere together. Trust also means that they feel safe enough to share opinions and feelings, to open up about challenges they face and to ask for help. If you lie to, deceive, or betray them, the trust might not hold. Love often remains strong where trust has been shattered. You can sometimes rebuild trust, but it takes time, transparency, and hard work.

 

6: Respect

Loving relationships cannot thrive without respect. A partner who respects you will show that they value your time together and want to work with you to create a partnership that is beneficial for both of you. They will always support your choices, even when they don’t agree. When you show respect to others, look for telltale signs such as honesty, clear communication, polite language, and consideration. If you feel that someone is trying to push you into a certain position or is trying to control you, it is not a good sign.

 

7: Nice Things They Do Everyday

They always remember your dates, and they smile whenever you walk into the room. Love is best manifested in the small moments of everyday life. If someone loves you, they may simply offer a presence in your life that is supportive and loving. They have been there for us both the good and bad times, giving us clear assurances that they will continue to support us.

 

8: They will want what is best for you

Love doesn’t always mean staying together forever, Sometimes it’s possible to end a relationship when love is still present, but irreconcilable differences might mean you’re better off moving on to find someone who’s a better fit. One person wants children and the other doesn’t. You’ve always wanted to own a cat, but your family doesn’t think you should. If someone truly loves you, they will let you go once it becomes clear your relationship isn’t working.